Day 0

Note: For a short time this entry disappeared before I was able to post it & I had thought it was long gone.  Now that I have find it once again,  I've tried to not add to much to it to preserve as much authenticity as possible. :)

          I've always been concerned about the people who ask questions such as "How do you picture your life in 5 years?" You'd think that if they're old enough or sophisticated enough to ask such a question they would be old enough to realize that no one can ever accurately answer that type of question,  in essence,  no one can predict the future. And yet , here I sit on my bed in a completely different situation then I pictured less than a month ago, and it still hasn't quite sunk in. I mean , for someone who critiques those who expect others to be able to predict their own futures, it shouldn't be such a shock that I was off predicting mine.  I had always kind of hoped I would spend my college days in a dorm room. I figured it would be nice to get up early on the weekends and go running around campus. I would always be close to my classes and could go to events without worrying about driving home. I would make tons of friends and would have just a touch more freedom for a taste.  And yet, when I decided to go to college so close to home,  I didn't see the point in all of that.  I would be able to drive myself.  I could stay close to my family.  I wouldn't have to deal with annoying roomates or sharing a shower.

 I didn't ever expect an in between, living away from my family,   without actually living on my own.

And yet here I am.

If I'm quite honest, I'm pretty scared.  Correction, I've been pretty scared. It's funny how I always want to think I'm an adventure enthusiast, and yet throw something unexpected at me,  and I grow uncomfortable.  I think the thing that scared me the most was how quickly everything happened. In just a week, I took a complete 360 from being dropped off by my parents to having to take care of myself.  I felt unprepared and maybe that's the real thing that frightened me.  What if I wasn't ready?

And yet, another part of me told myself that it was inevitable. I would have to grow up one way or another.  I had prayed since the beginning always asking God for the best opportunity for me to grow and to help me accept whatever was chosen for me.  And I guess, here ito is.

Here I am told I can come home at whatever time I'd like,  as long as I tell someone so. I won't always see everyone around, everyone is on their own schedule.  Here I  will drive myself where I need to go, do my laundry as needed, and decide when I study and when I go out.

Here, the dinner table feels smaller and the TV is always rambling on in the background. I must walk carefully down the stairs while an overenthusiastic canine shadow feels the need to take every step with me,  take a few steps ahead of me ,and go back over the steps  just taken. I must try my best to make conversation and remember that I have encyclopedias full of stories that my new audience has never heard of.

And yet,  despite all the newness and changes, I went to bed on Day 0 excited. For the first time I thought to myself that this might actually be a good idea and that I could do this.  I was scared and I didn't know much about what would happen the next day or week or month,  but for that moment,  I was okay.